He Calls Me Often But Is Hardly Around. How Do I Just Let Go?

I started dating my son's coach, he seemed very nice.

He would take my son to his football practice and all. Suddenly we got involved.

I really liked or like this man, and have tried to make this work. He insists he is not doing anything wrong, and that we shouldn't rush. But 3 months in my opinion is enough to at least know whether it is going to work out or not.

He calls me often but is hardly around.

We've been on 2 dates. The last one he couldn't even take me to a decent dinner, so I cooked for him at home.
I understand that he is a single father like me. But c'mon, not even a meal? By the end of the night, I suggested we stop by Ralphs and get some drinks. Guess who had to pay for them (me).

The last drop on the glass was for Christmas. He didn't even get a card. He just called to wish me and my son merry xmas. That's all.

How do I just let go? I know he isn't for me, so why am I so broken heart?

Please help....

My Reply

Let's break this down.

1. He's your son's coach and he is nice

2. You've been together for three months but he says you shouldn't rush things

3. He calls you often but is hardly around

4. He couldn't even buy you a meal on your date, you had to pay. He couldn't buy you a card on Christmas either.

5. You know he's not for you and you want to let go but you're broken hearted

There's nothing wrong with dating your son's coach if you love him. And since he's a nice man, that makes the option even more attractive.

He doesn't want to rush the relationship.

That's okay. But you consider three months to be sufficient time to be sure about a relationship.

I must remind you that what is sufficient time to be confident about the workability of a love relationship is dependent on the individual.

In my case, I was sure in two weeks. I proposed to my wife two weeks after we met.

However, it takes some people 4 weeks, two months, three months and even more to be absolutely sure that they want a permanent love relationship with someone.

So how long that takes is dependent on the individual.

But it's important to note that many people who say they are not sure whether a relationship will work out are simply afraid of commitment.

Really, three months is enough to decide if you want to spend your life with a particular woman or not. But three months isn't sufficient to get married.
Marriage is a permanent thing. So you need to get to know each other more.
Let me explain.
1. You meet the first time and you fancy each other

2. He visits a couple of times and he likes what he sees. The woman look promising

3. He asks her out. The outing is successful and there are indications she will make a good wife

4. They date some more . . . a couple of months maybe and she still has the magic

5. He proposes and she accepts

6. From then on, the relationship changes gear. They start planning their life together.

Where will they live?

How many kids will they have?

How will the home be financed?

When will they announce their decision to their families?

When will the wedding be?

Will she still pursue her career after they get married?

7. Time to re-evaluate your earlier decision to marry him

Did you have difference of opinion during step 6 above? Naturally, you will.

How did you deal with them? With a lot of screaming and yelling?

Did you resolve the thorny issues with love, empathy and consideration?

Was he bossy and insistent on having his way?

Are you compatible?

8. Doubts creep in or your earlier decision to marry him is justified as the right thing to do

9. You break up or your love grows

10. You plan your wedding

11. You get married

Now, of the even steps above, what stage are you? Has he proposed to you or you're just dating, trying out each other?

He is hardly around.

Is it because he's very busy and lives very far away? Does that explain or justify why he can't be around all the time?

Naturally, if you love someone, you will want to be with her all the time. So, if he's hardly around, something is wrong. Unless if distance is a real problem.

About his inability to buy a meal.

Is he financially challenged? Was he broke as at the time you suggested you go out for a meal? And how did he decline paying? Was he concerned that he couldn't afford it? Did he say so before you went for the meal?

A man who is broke can still afford a Christmas card because it's not an expensive gift. But he didn't buy you any.

Is it that he is not the romantic type and needs some tutoring? Can you teach him what it means to be affectionate and romantic? Can you live with that if he doesn't change?

Now to the real deal. You want to let go but you're heart broken.

Obviously, you've done your home work and concluded you need to let go.

Just how do you do that?

First, understand that . . .

It will be painful

Every now and then, you will still think of him and the life you could have had together if he was all you wanted him to be

It will take some time before you get over him

Second, if you're sure this is the best thing to do, don't look back no matter what people say or do.

Ready to break up with him? Do the following.

1. Have an honest talk with him. Tell him that you want to end the love relationship and tell him why.

2. Stop seeing him. Avoid him. Ensure you're absent whenever he comes to pick your son for his coaching classes. If you don't see him, the attraction of the relationship will dwindle.

3. If it's possible to get a new coach for your son, do just that. That way, he has no excuse to visit your home again.

4. Grab a book on effective strategies for breakup and read how others have done this successfully. Learn from other folks who've been through this same stage.

5. Whenever you're tempted to think you're probably too hard on yourself or him, reassure yourself that this is the right thing to do.

Don't marry a man that is not what you want him to be. You will live the rest of your life unfulfilled.

This breakup will be painful. But if it is the right thing to do, then do it. You will be safeguarding your future.