I Am Beginning To Feel The Eyes Wandering

Hi.

I am certain you get a lot of questions everyday so I'll get to the point.

I have been with this guy for 15 years since I was 15 years old, now I'm 30 and not once has he asked me to marry him. Now we have two kids, one 9 the other 5 and I am still confused if I should stay with him or not.

Over the years we have had some rough times but many good times as well. I just don't feel like he sees me the way he used to and the truth is I am beginning to feel quite insecure with myself especially since I gained a few pounds.
I am scared that I might be stuck with him for the next 30 years living the same old way. I love him and he loves me I believe but I am beginning to feel the eyes wandering on his part.

I don't want my kids to be without a father and besides he is a very good father to them. I am just confused and don't know what to do.

What would you advise?

My Reply

Fifteen years is a long time to be together without being married.

Why hasn't he asked you to marry him all this while?

Well, it's convenient for him.

He can walk out of the love relationship anytime . . . no serious obligations.

Regardless of what opponents think, marriage is a sign of commitment. Each time the man thinks of going wayward, he remembers his obligation and the cost of breaking up.

The cost of divorce does not stop divorce. But it does give the couple reasons for second thought.

My first advice?

Get married to him if you really love him. Marriage cements a love relationship.

It doesn't matter that he hasn't asked you. This is not a fresh relationship. You're in it already. He's already a huge part of your life.

Right now you shouldn't wait for him to ask you. You ask him if he's relunctant to ask.

You said, "I just don't feel like he sees me the way he used to".

Is that just a feeling or is that reality?

Let me rephrase.

Is it true that he does not see you the way he use to or you just feel he does not?

If it's true that he does not, has he changed for better or for worse? Is he less respectful of you? Does he listen to you less?

Is he . . .

less empathetic

less loving

Less caring

less open to conversation

less husbandly

. . . or less understanding?

You have to be able to distinguish between what you feel and what's the case.

About your feeling of insecurity.

Is it because he does not see you the way he use to or because you've gained a few pounds?

It's well known that women are a bit more concerned about their weight than men are. And are quick to attribute any change in behavior of their partners to their increase in weight.

If you're concerned about what he thinks of your weight, ask him directly or indirectly. Use words of mouth and intuition to figure what his real thoughts are.
If you discover your weight is the cause of his worries, do something about it without be hysterical.
If he is seriously concerned about your weight, it may also explain why his eyes are wandering.

However, weight gain by a spouse is often not the principal reason why a mate's eyes would stray.

Many young women of today wear stuff so daring and taunting that men sometimes can't help but stare.

So, is his wandering eyes just an innocent acknowledgment of a stunning outfit by someone of the opposite sex or a permanent feature? Is it a leering stare that's always there when some girl passes?

If his eyes or attitude is flirtatious or suggestive, the best way to deal with the problem is to use the direct approach . . . simply have a direct open discussion about your observations with him.

For example, when you notice he's staring seductively, you can say, "Your eyes are wandering. What has changed? You weren't like this before".

Or you could say, "She's cute, isn't she? Have any great ideas about her?"

Or better still, "I noticed you were staring at Tonia longer than necessary. That isn't your usual self. What's wrong?"

Bottom line.

Have an open discussion about the situation with your man. That kind of conversation often help to clear up misunderstandings and straighten situations.

You said . . .

"I am still confused if I should stay with him or not"

"I am scared that I might be stuck with him for the next 30 years"

"I am just confused and don't know what to do".

Obviously, at the heart of your confusion is fear . . . you're afraid of the future. You're scared he may not always be there for you. You're scared he may leave you for one of those girls that make his eyes wander.

Sure, he's a good father to your kids. But then, he's their father. He is under obligation to be a good father to them.

What about you? Does he feel a sense of obligation to love you?

I don't know. Only you can say that for sure.

But listen to this . . .

You said, "I have been with this guy for 15 years since I was 15 years old".

You didn't say, I have been with my husband for 15 years.

So, deep down, you realize that he's not 100 percent yours. You're not married to him and you have no legal claim on him.

He can leave you anytime if he wishes.

Don't be scared. He may actually be a man of honor and stick with you for the next 50 years even though you're not married.

But then, that's a dream that may or may not come true.

So, what should you do?

First thing . . . ask him to marry you. If he truly loves you as much as he says, he wouldn't put it off.

And don't give him reasons to put it off . . . not even cost reasons.

You can get married in your sitting room if you wish. And with the cost being as low as the cost of a dinner for four.

If nothing else, marriage will increase your sense of security and your faith in the relationship.

And the next 30 years with him may have more meaning and not be as boring as it would be if you're still not married.

You have two kids here to care for. They need all the love you both can give them.

Find a way to make this love relationship work since you say you love him and he loves you too.

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