I'm So Incredibly Confused

by Anne
(USA)

I'm not sure if you're still doing the whole thing where you give people advice but if you could give me some it would be amazing.

You don't have to post it or anything like you did with the past letters if you don't want to. All I ask for is advice.

Here goes...

I'm going to start by telling what the problem is... then I'm going to go in depth with all of it.

I have to decide between 2 guys.... One I'm currently dating, and the other one is my ex of 2 years.

I'm going to start off giving details of my past relationship with my ex.

I was in high school. We met one night through a group of friends. It was kind of by chance and completely random.

He got my number that night and we began talking and texting every night after that. We could talk for hours and not get bored.

He was cute, funny, sweet... all the things I and most girls look for in a guy. We were "talking" for 2 months before he asked me to be his girlfriend and actually have a concrete relationship.

I think it was either one week or two weeks after we started dating he told me he loved me. I told him I had to think about it because it was so soon.

I thought about it and a couple nights later I told him I loved him too. we ended up losing our virginities to each other.

He was my first love and my first time.

We started talking about how much we felt for each other and eventually how we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together.

3 months into the 4 months of the relationship, he decides to tell me that he had kissed his ex 3 months ago. He was tutoring her and they ended up kissing.

The story he had told me previously was that she had tried to come on to him but he told her to back off and nothing happened.

I was heart broken but he begged for forgiveness. I took him back. We got closer and closer.

A few months later another girl tried to kiss him but he told her he had a girlfriend and he couldn't do that. He told me immediately after and I let it go.

Several months after that another girl tried to tell him she liked him and she tried to kiss him. He told me about it. I let it go.

A few more months down the road things got rocky again. This time it was me.

I had been talking to one of his best friends through text message and over the phone for the span of a week or so. He ended up asking if I would ever consider hooking up with him if I ever broke up with my ex..

I told him that would be a bad idea and people would be very upset if that happened and he said well no one would have to know.

A couple months from then my ex went to california for a school thing. He was gone for a month.

Over that month I ended up telling him about the conversation that had occurred previously and he freaked out. He ended up forgiving me and we were fine.

When he got back from california he wouldn't let me see his phone. he freaked if I even picked it up. It made me suspicious so I looked through it when he went to the bathroom.

I found 2 pictures of 2 different girls in their bras and underwear that they had sent to him. I broke down . . . I cried.

He apologized over and over again and begged me to stay. He said they had been sent to him after I told him about what had happened with his friend. I finally let it go.

I became paranoid though and so did he. we didn't trust each other as much as we had. I was freaking out over him telling girls how attractive they were and such online myspace.

He got fed up with all the arguing and took a break that spanned a week. He continued to hardcore flirt with a girl that lived in another state.

We finally got back together after a week that felt like forever. We were good for a while. We just had major trust issues. Overall though everything was working out.

College time rolled around and I didn't get into the school I thought I was going to that would have put me closer to him. I ended up having to go to school in our hometown.

We decided to be together without the title. Just the commitment so it wasn't as stressful. The weeks leading up to him leaving were filled with arguements and crying about what was going to happen when he was gone and how much time we spent together before he left.

When he left he wasn't calling me like he said he would and when I would call him he would blow me off because he was doing things with people down there. He would be a jerk to me and make me cry.

I called him one night when he was drunk and he told me I was being a bitch and was really hateful towards me.

I was hanging out with a specific circle of friends back home that included the friend that caused the problem between us earlier.

He became increasingly paranoid about all the time I was spending around him. He started calling me names and such after a while because he would get so mad.

I finally had enough of his paranoia because he became controlling to the point that he was asking what I was wearing and such. I decided to take a break.

Over the break I got really close with the friend that had caused all the problems. We ended up having a long makeout session one night.

The next day I called and told my ex because I felt so guilty. He freaked out but forgave me. We decided to go back to not having a title but the commitment.

A week later I ended up kissing his friend again. I told him and he freaked out. He told me as long as nothing sexual happened he would take me back.

Our mutual friends began to tell me about things he hadn't told me that had happened in the past like a truth or dare game where he gave a girl a hickey and everyone ended up sitting around naked.

I finally ended it completely because the trust issues and relationship was becoming so strained.

After I broke it off with him he would call me crying and talk about hurting himself and begged for me to talk to him when he came to visit fall break. I told him that i would talk to him.

His friend and I got closer the weeks before he came up and were practically dating. We even started talking about dating.

My ex came in town and came over to my house to talk. He began to cry and I felt horrible. He promised things and confessed anything he had never told me before. He even went so far as to propose to me.

I told him no because he was being desperate. I decided to take him back because i still loved him and we ended up having sex.

Afterwards he left and I went to work. I didn't feel right. I told the friend what had happened and he became very upset.

I felt horrible because i had hurt him. I told my ex that I didn't feel right and I couldnt be with him again. He was crushed and begged me to change my mind ... i didnt.

He left and went back down to college, and 2 days later I was dating his friend.

We ended up having sex a week into our relationship and it was and is great... a month into it though we hit a rough patch because I found out I was pregnant.

I wanted to keep it but no one else wanted me to. It was a hard decision but I got rid of it. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to face.

The relationship we have is perfect. His friend is the sweetest guy to me. He treats me better than any boyfriend has in the past.

He respects me. The relationship is completely perfect. I even think he's beginning to fall in love with me.

The only problem with that is I'm beginning to realize that I'm still in love with my ex.

The relationship with my current boyfriend is perfect in every way. There's absolutely nothing wrong with it. I'm happy ... just not completely.

I've had the nagging feeling that something is missing. I recently began to think about my ex more and more. I even dream about him.

Since the break up I've felt horrible and tried to talk to him over the past couple months. The talks have not gone well because hes so hurt and bitter.

I just recently told him about how I've been feeling here lately. He's willing to take me back in a heart beat.... but my current boyfriend is so perfect.

I don't understand why I can't just be happy with him and forget about my ex. I don't know what to do.

I was hoping for some advice on the situation. It would be greatly appreciated.

-A deeply confused girl-