Rational Thinking or Just Cold Feet?

I'm torn between my partner and my best friend, and I feel absolutely horrible about it.

I am confused as to whether my feelings for my best friend are genuine or if they are just due to apprehensions in regards to committing to my partner.

For most of the time I've known my best friend, he has been absolute perfection in my eyes. We were inseparable, taking up the same university courses to sync, going out for dinner and a movie, talking for hours about nothing.

The more I was around him, the more I began to realise that he was the most charming, loyal and beautiful person I’d ever met – the type of impossibly perfect gentleman that is willing to wait at the bus stop with you in the rain rather than leaving you alone in the cold, the type of person you feel the safest and most comfortable around.

After some time I developed very strong feelings towards him, but never thought myself ‘good enough’ for him to act upon my feelings. When I eventually plucked up the courage to tell him, my best friend seemed to vanish off the face of the planet.

He no longer came to lectures or called me over the phone. Emailed responses, if any, were very stilted and short. I felt devastated, as if he had read my mind before I could open my mouth and had been scared away by my quiet obsession.

After a few years, having rarely spoken to my best friend in that time, I forced myself to ignore my feelings towards him and move on, thinking I would never see him again. It was then that I met my current partner and have been with him ever since.

My partner is a wonderful person and a stable anchor in my life. I instantly felt part of his wonderful family. I feel closer to his mother than to my own parents, and I love his younger siblings, proof-reading their homework or helping them make dinner.

My partner and I have discussed marriage and children a couple of years down the track, but even though I do love him, I don’t feel ready for such a strong commitment at this time in my life.

At the beginning of last year, my best friend began to contact me again. When we finally caught up in person after all this time, he had changed a lot over the time we had been apart.

He had taken some time away to ‘sort himself out’. He had lost a great deal of weight, found a new job and had launched back into his degree. We soon began spending a lot of time together again and once more formed a very strong platonic relationship, just like old times. No awkward pauses, no nerves. I felt completely comfortable again, as if he’d never left

The feelings I had always held for my best friend began to grow once more, but I made a point to myself that I am loyal to my partner and love him dearly.

Recently, whilst discussing little nothings over dinner, something my best friend said struck a chord with me.

I had mentioned that because of my partner’s work commitments, we spent most of the time looking after his house or spending time with his family, like a old couple who had been married for years.

My best friend replied, “Wow, that’s really sad. I don't know how you could just live like that. You need some romance in your life. I’m a romantic. If I had someone in my life, I would make every day something beautiful for my partner.”

Because my best friend and I study at the same university and work in similar locations, and my partner lives several hours away, my best friend and I have considered living together as roommates.

However, due to my emotional history with my friend, I am having second thoughts as to where this could lead.

I feel terrible not talking this over with my partner because he is usually very open about his concerns and opinions and I don’t want to hurt him.

Are my feelings for my friend a result of commitment phobia or should I give them more consideration?

Should I ignore my mixed up feelings and stay within the stability of my current relationship, or should I tell my best friend what I haven’t said to him in years?