Something Is Wrong With Me

by steff
(louisiana)

I'm finally starting to admit that there might be a problem with my love life.

I've had several crushes, no boyfriends. Recently i've just chalked it up to bad luck. Either something will happen or i wont see him again or another girl with move in or just something ridiculious and random.

I've kinda felt cheated out of the guys i'm close to. Now i see i might have a problem expressing myself.

I'm not a very bold person, so when this happens, i take blows to my egos and don't say anything about it.

I always thought it was okay to look half asleep alot of time cause, well, were in school. Who can honestly keep their attention for 8 straight hours.

People say i will attract those guys if i smile more. True, but i find it hard to give a big smile for no reason all the time like they mean. Just making a note, i'm 17.

My older cousin by 8 months said i needed to unwind a bit. So on Marit Gras, for the parade, she took me to the rite aid parking lot with a bunch of her friends and got me absolutly drunk.

I was laughing and smiling like an idiot. But i realised i was chatted up by 12 or more guys, one even put his arm around me, and i came home with a bunch of bead they caught me "cause i'm short". i didn't think it would be so easy to get them to come close.

But i did meet one REALLY great guy that night. Even though i was drunk, he kinda took care of me, in a way. I met him before the parade and then saw him again in the field i just randomly appeared in with a bunch of people and a bonfire.

I forgot how i got there, i was way more than tipsy. Good thing my cousin was there though.

Anyway,we started talking, and he would move me back everytime some random guy would put gas in the fire cause the wood was wet, there wasn't enough flame and we were all cold. i would also hide my face in his jacket every time the smoke would blow towrds us.

After a series of event, one passed out druk and sudden decision to go to the hospital(the guy who put gas on the fire also got into a fight and got cut to his palm to his wrist with a beer bottle, go figure, had money that the fire would do him in) this guy and 2 other people and myself were the only ones left by the fire.

My cousin had left me drunk in the field to see her bleeding friend at the hospital. The other 2 people went inside and we ended up curled up together on the tail gate of a truck,arms linked and me snuggling in the crook of this neck and in his jacket, and played drunken guessing games and even having important conversation about school, college, family, friends, relationships, and how neither of us really understood all the dramma that had happened around us tonight.

Turns out he was 19, in college, and going into agricultral development. He was honest to. he said he though it was strange that i had never been in a relationship. i didn't say anymore about it.

we stayed there for 2-3 hours till some one came back and said someone had called the cop and he wasn't sure how long it would take them to get out there, so we had better clean all the stuff up (meaning the fire and bottles and vodka, we found half a bottle of vodka randomly in the grass in the field, go figure) Then he asked me about my cousin.

He knew i had no other way home. I told him i didn't know when she would be coming back. But he said he would make sure i got home alright. so we sat in his truck and listened to music and talked more till my cuz came back and dragged me off for the night.

I hugged him and said i hoped i would see him again, he said definately then we left. i would have asked for a number but i don't think i could have remembered it.

Even though i was drunk, i couldn't forget him. i still blush thinking about it ad i really want to see him again. i also don't understand why everything was so easy, i'm more awkward around guys than that. But that was just too easy, i was snuggling with a college student in the back of a truck, that seemed so unlike me.

I really do want to see him again, but i don't think thats going to happen. i don't see why he would want to see a younger awkward girl like me anyway.

So i thought i would use this experience to improve my other "may-be" relationships. Worked at first but no luck. The guy i've known for years was kissing some girl in the hallway.

My home coming date, who i REALLY click with by the way, ended up getting paced around by my friends and to this girls who he hadn't met before that every one thinks is my friend.

He dates her on the spot and now she is keeping him away form me, i can't even see him.

Guy in my chem class that i kinda like, was getting closer to him. I overheard his conversation he was having with a senior girl about another girl.

She was saying "it would never work out with you 2, you never see each other, you never talk, i wouldn't even give you a month with her, besides have you seen her dorm, its a trash hole".

I wasn't eaves-dropping, she was just talking really loudly right behind me.

Then there is that other guy that i've known since i was 4, really respect and admire and can't stop thinking about, but i'm not going to go into that. It would never work. There seems to be this awkward space between us.

Besides my cousin gets into so many drunken fights with him and that if i even think of becoming his friend she will kill me.

This all leaves me really disheartened and i can't stop thinking about how easy it was to approach others and him that night.

I really don't know whats wrong with me and why i can't be as open under normal standards. I feel its so hard to for me to hold on to a relationship with a guy either because i'm not attractive enough or because of my own habitual tendenies and nervious habits. Its really got my in a furry and i can't seem to cop out the way i want to.

Got any opinions or advice?

Oh, i'm sorry this was so long, but thats pretty much everything. It was a pain to write.