We Barely Talk

by Emily
(Lsnf Of Spiffy, Fl, USA)

My story is a tad long.

It started when I was 14 and Jeremy was 15.
We rode the bus together and long story short he ended up with a crush on me.

I was too nervous about losing our friendship,
and told him that I had a boyfriend (who in reality was not my boyfriend).

We were still friends, just not as close as we used to be.

At the beginning of this school year, Jeremy and I met up and became as close as we were back before his crush.

We were together every day! And we had so much fun together.

One day though, Jeremy tried to kiss me and I realized I wanted him to, but I was still so worried about what would happen if we broke up later.

So I started dating a guy who I really had no interest in to throw things off.

Jeremy stopped talking to me when he found out.
I broke up with Corey maybe a week later because he kept pressuring me for sex.

At this point my friends and family were reinforcing what I already knew about my situation with Jeremy.

I screwed up.

I called and emailed Jeremy daily and asked him if we could talk, finally he said yes.

We met and I told him that I have a crush on him,
and Jeremy told me he felt the same but wasn't over his last girlfriend yet.

I told him I'd wait for him, but after 2 months of still barely talking to each other I told Jeremy that I needed to move on. Though I couldn't move on.

I've tried dating around to forget him, and I've tried to tell myself I don't have these feelings for him, but I do.

So what I've done is written the following in a bulletin on myspace, as well as sent it to him in a message.:

"First I realized that I liked him, and I was scared we would lose our friendship. So I found the first guy I could date to get him out of my head.

I didn't even like Corey. I still don't like Corey.

I broke up with him.

Then I told my crush how I feel about him, and he basically stopped talking to me.

So I told him that I needed to move on. The problem is that I can't seem to.

I try telling myself I am angry with him,
and I've tried telling myself I have similar feelings for anyone else, but its to no avail.

I realize that there are times when I adore this person, when he is around I am blown away by him and I really just love the way we are together.

Then there are other times when I can't stand him though, these I realize, are the times when he is gone and impossible to talk to.

I have only dreamt once of actually kissing this person, but we were so happy together in that dream, mostly though I dream of wanting to be with him.

Its simple enough to relate those wanting and wishing dreams to reality.

Its my fault that things are the way they are,
and I am just telling the world that I am a screw up and that I really wish there was any way I could fix this."

Now I am terrified of what he might say, or if he will say anything, and what might this do to our friendship?

Please help!